Every family is different, with different personalities, customs, and ways of thinking, talking, and connecting to one another. There is no one "right" kind of family. But whether parents are strict or lenient, boisterous or calm, home has to be a place of love, encouragement, and acceptance of their feelings and individuality for kids to feel emotionally safe and secure. It also has to be a source of don'ts and limits.

    Most of us want such an atmosphere to prevail in our homes, but with today's stresses this often seems harder and harder to achieve. From time to time it helps to take stock and think about the changes we could make to improve our home's emotional climate. Here are a few that will.

    1. Watch What You Say
    How we talk to our children every day is part of the emotional atmosphere we weave. Besides giving them opportunities to be open about how they feel, we have to watch what we say and how we say it.

    We often forget how much kids take parental criticisms to heart and how much these affect their feelings about themselves. Psychologist Martin Seligman found that when parents consistently blame kids in exaggerated ways, children feel overly guilty and ashamed and withdraw emotionally. Look at the difference between "Roger, this room is always a pigsty! You are such a slob!" and "Roger, your room is a mess today! Before you go out to play, it has to be picked up."

    One way tells Roger he can never do anything right. The other tells him exactly what to do to fix things so he can be back in his mom's good graces and doesn't suggest he has a permanent character flaw. For criticism to be constructive for children, we have to cite causes that are specific and temporary.

    Another constructive way to criticize children is to remind them of the impact their actions have on us. This promotes empathy rather than resentment.

    2. Provide Order and Stability
    A predictable daily framework, clear and consistent rules, and an organized house make kids -- and parents -- more relaxed and comfortable, and that means everyone has emotional equilibrium. When conflicts, tensions, or crises occur, the routine is a reassuring and familiar support, a reliable strand of our lives that won't change.

    Think about your mornings. Do your kids go off to school feeling calm and confident? Or are they upset and grumpy?

    What about evenings and bedtime? Do you have angry fights over homework or how much TV children can watch? A calm bedtime routine is one good antidote for the dark fears that surface when kids are alone in bed with the lights turned out.

    Yet a routine that's too inflexible doesn't make room for kids' individual temperaments, preferences, and quirks.
    Make Quality Time a Priority

    3. Hold Family Meetings
    Time together is at such a premium in most households that many families, like the Martins, hold regular family meetings so everyone can air and resolve the week's grievances as well as share the good things that happened.

    When the Martins gather on Friday night, they also take the opportunity to anticipate what's scheduled for the week ahead. That way they eliminate (mostly!) those last-minute anxieties over whether someone has soccer shoes for the first practice, the books for a report, or a ride to a music lesson.

    4. Encourage Loving Feelings
    Everyday life is full of opportunities to establish loving connections with our kids. Researchers have found that parents who spend time playing, joking with, and sharing their own thoughts and feelings with their kids have children who are more friendly, generous, and loving.

    After all, giving love fosters love, and what convinces our kids that we love them more than our willingness to spend time with them? Many parents say that often they feel most in tune emotionally with their kids when they just hang out together -- sprawling on the bed to watch TV, walking down the block together to mail a letter, talking on long car rides when kids know they have a parent's complete attention. At these times the hurt feelings and the secret fears are finally mentioned.

    Part of encouraging loving feelings is insisting that kids treat others, including siblings, with kindness, respect, and fairness -- at least some of the time. In one family, kids write on a chart in the kitchen at the end of each day the name of someone who did something nice for them.

    5. Create Rituals
    Setting aside special times of the day or week to come together as a family gives children a sense of continuity -- that certain feelings stay the same even as the kids change and grow. For many families, like my friend Frances', that means regularly observing religious rituals. To her family, Sunday morning means going to Mass and having hot chocolate afterwards at the town café. Others create their own rituals to anchor the week. Michael's family celebrates with a regular Scrabble and pizza party every Friday night; Dawn's goes to the movies. Holiday rituals give children points in the year to look forward to.

    6. Handle Challenges With Compassion
    Home life today is not always stable and secure. Even the best marriages have fights, economic woes, emotional ups-and-downs. Parents divorce, stepfamilies form, and these changes challenge the most compassionate parents. But troubles are part of the human condition. Loving families don't ignore them -- they try to create a strong emotional climate despite them.

    In handling parental conflicts, for example, we can let kids know when everything has been resolved, as Denise and Peter did after a loud dispute in the kitchen during which voices were raised and tears flowed. After making up, they explained to their kids, "Sometimes we disagree and lose our tempers, too. But now we've worked it out. We're sorry that you overheard our fight."

    7. Schedule Parent-Only Time
    Parents are the ones who create a home's atmosphere. When we're upset about how much money we owe, worried about downsizing at the company where we work, or angry at a spouse, that charges the emotional atmosphere in ways kids find threatening. As one friend said plaintively, "Parents need special time, too." Taking a long walk together to talk without our kids may go a long way to soothe worries and regular "parent-only" dates help us reexperience the love that brought us together in the first place.

    每個家庭都有不同之處,不同的個性,不同的習慣,不同的思維方式,不同的談話方式,以及相互間不同的溝通方式。不能說哪一種家庭的生活方式是“正確”的。不過，無論家長嚴厲還是寬容，暴躁還是文靜，家都必須是充滿愛
、充滿鼓勵、充滿對孩子的情感和個性信任的地方，是讓孩子從心理上感到安全可靠的地方。那裏還必須有規矩和準則。

    我(wo)們(men)大(da)都(dou)希(xi)望(wang)有(you)這(zhe)樣(yang)的(de)家(jia)庭(ting)環(huan)境(jing)，但(dan)是(shi)由(you)於(yu)麵(mian)臨(lin)如(ru)今(jin)的(de)各(ge)種(zhong)壓(ya)力(li)，這(zhe)樣(yang)的(de)願(yuan)望(wang)越(yue)來(lai)越(yue)難(nan)實(shi)現(xian)。有(you)時(shi)，這(zhe)種(zhong)壓(ya)力(li)有(you)助(zhu)於(yu)讓(rang)我(wo)們(men)考(kao)慮(lv)到(dao)現(xian)實(shi)狀(zhuang)況(kuang)，並(bing)盡(jin)可(ke)能(neng)想(xiang)辦(ban)法(fa)做(zuo)些(xie)改(gai)變(bian)，進(jin)而(er)改(gai)善(shan)家(jia)庭(ting)氣(qi)氛(fen)。下(xia)麵(mian)是(shi)幾(ji)條(tiao)改(gai)善(shan)家(jia)庭(ting)氣(qi)氛(fen)的(de)方(fang)法(fa)。

    １．注意和孩子說話的方式

    每天和孩子說話的方式是營造情感環境的一部分。此外
，要給孩子敞開心扉的機會，就必須選擇好要說的話，並注意表達的方式。

    我們常常忽視孩子內心是多麼在意家長的批評，忽視這些批評對他們的感情影響有多大。心理學家馬丁·塞利格曼發現，當家長總是過份地責備孩子時，孩子們會感到特別內疚
，特別慚愧
，情緒上就會非常冷漠。請看這兩種說話方式的區別： “羅傑，這房間總是像豬窩！你真是個懶漢！”“羅傑，你的房間今天太亂了！你必須收拾好再出去玩！”

    diyizhongshigaosuluojietazongshishenmeyezuobuhao。lingyizhongshigaosutadaodigaizenyangzhenglifangjiancainengrangmamazhongxinxihuanta
，erbuhuirangtagandaozijiyougaibuledepinzhiquedian。weilerangpipingyouyiyuhaizi，womenbixushuochujutieryouzhenduixingdeyuanyin。

    另一種對孩子有益的批評方式是讓他們知道他們的行為對我們的影響。這樣做能激發同情心而不是怨恨。

    ２．讓家裏保持整齊

    每天看到家裏始終保持幹淨整齊，井然有序，能讓孩子們——和家長們——感到更加輕鬆愉快，這也意味著大家都有個平靜的好心情。每當產生爭執

、情緒緊張或者發生危機感
，秩序井然的家庭就是獲得親人安慰，得到親人支持
，永遠不會改變的可依賴的生活港灣。

    想想早晨的情形。你的孩子們去上學的時候
，是心情平靜
，充滿信心，還是脾氣暴躁，心煩意亂？

    namewanshanghelinshuiqianyouzenmeyangne？nishifouhuiyinzuoyehekandianshideduoshaohehaiziouqine？linshuiqianbaochipinghexinjingdexiguan
，nengqusanhaiziguandenghouduzishuijiaoshichanshengdeheiankongjuxinli。

    不過，過於刻板的習慣不利於孩子個人氣質、個人興趣和個人特性的形成。

    優先創造和家人相聚的機會

    3．召開家庭會議

    許多家庭高度重視家人相聚的時光
，比如馬丁家就定時召開家庭會議
，讓大家說出一周的煩惱，從而解除煩惱，同時分享快樂。

    馬丁一家周五晚上聚在一起的時候，還借機提前安排好下周要做的事情。這樣一來，就消除（大部分地）了反複考慮某人是否有參加第一次訓練的球鞋
，是否有做報告要用的書

，或者是否有去聽音樂課的車引起的焦慮。

    4．培養愛心

    日ri常chang生sheng活huo中zhong和he孩hai子zi們men建jian立li愛ai的de聯lian係xi的de機ji會hui俯fu拾shi皆jie是shi。研yan究jiu者zhe發fa現xian，家jia長chang花hua時shi間jian和he孩hai子zi一yi起qi玩wan，一yi起qi開kai玩wan笑xiao，共gong同tong分fen享xiang自zi己ji的de思si想xiang感gan情qing，其qi孩hai子zi們men會hui表biao現xian的de更geng友you好hao、更寬容，更富愛心。

    總zong之zhi，獻xian出chu愛ai心xin能neng培pei養yang愛ai心xin。還hai有you什shen麼me能neng比bi我wo們men願yuan意yi花hua時shi間jian和he他ta們men在zai一yi起qi，更geng能neng讓rang孩hai子zi們men相xiang信xin我wo們men愛ai他ta們men？許xu多duo家jia長chang說shuo
，和he孩hai子zi們men一yi起qi廝si混hun的de時shi候hou——趴(pa)在(zai)床(chuang)上(shang)看(kan)電(dian)視(shi)，一(yi)起(qi)走(zou)過(guo)街(jie)區(qu)去(qu)寄(ji)信(xin)

，長(chang)途(tu)旅(lv)行(xing)時(shi)一(yi)路(lu)聊(liao)著(zhe)天(tian)，感(gan)到(dao)心(xin)情(qing)特(te)別(bie)好(hao)，這(zhe)時(shi)

，孩(hai)子(zi)知(zhi)道(dao)他(ta)們(men)得(de)到(dao)了(le)家(jia)長(chang)的(de)全(quan)心(xin)注(zhu)意(yi)。這(zhe)些(xie)時(shi)候(hou)
，受(shou)傷(shang)的(de)感(gan)覺(jiao)和(he)隱(yin)藏(zang)的(de)恐(kong)懼(ju)就(jiu)都(dou)被(bei)說(shuo)出(chu)來(lai)了(le)。

    堅持讓孩子體貼、尊敬、公平地對待他人，包括兄弟，也是培養愛心的一部分——至少在有些時候。有一個家庭
，孩子們每天結束時，都要在廚房的圖表上寫上為他們做了好事的人的名字。

    5.培養良好的習慣

    確定一天或一周內某一特定時間家人相聚，傳給孩子們的是持之以恒的觀念 ——jishihaizimenchangdale
，bianhuale，zhezhongtebiedeganjiaoyebuhuigaibian。duixuduoxiangwodepengyoufulangxisinayangdejiatinglaishuo
，jiarenxiangjujiuyiweizhedingqidezongjiaoyishi。duitajialaishuo，xingqirishangwujiushiquzuomisa，zhihouzaizhenshangxiaocanguanchireqiaokeli。qitarenjiayeyouzijiyizhouneigudingdexiangjuxiguan。maikeerjiameizhouwuwanshangdouyaohuankuaidiwanpinziyouxi
，chibisabing；道恩家去看電影。過節的習慣使孩子們在一年裏都有了盼頭。

    6．懷著同情心處理爭端

    如今的家庭生活不總是穩定而安全的。即使最完美的婚姻也會有爭執
，有經濟困難，有情感的困擾。在父母離婚，有繼父（繼母）的家庭，這些變化考驗著最富同情心的家長。煩惱是人類生活的一部分。充滿愛心的家庭不會忽視這一點——盡管有煩惱，他們仍努力創造良好的心理環境。

    zaichulifumuzhengzhidewentishang
，biru，dangyiqiewentidoujiejueledeshihou，womenkeyiranghaizimenzhidao，jiuxiangdenisihebidezaichufangtileijiaoliudashengzhengchaozhihounayangzuo。tamenliangrenhejiezhihou，duihaizimenjieshishuo：“有時我們也會意見不同，發脾氣。不過
，現在我們已經解決了。很抱歉讓你們聽到了我們的爭吵。”

    7.安排家長獨處的時間

    父fu母mu是shi營ying造zao家jia庭ting氣qi氛fen的de人ren。當dang我wo們men為wei欠qian了le多duo少shao錢qian而er煩fan惱nao，為wei就jiu職zhi的de公gong司si要yao裁cai員yuan而er焦jiao慮lv，或huo生sheng配pei偶ou的de氣qi時shi，就jiu會hui產chan生sheng壓ya抑yi的de家jia庭ting氣qi氛fen

，使shi孩hai子zi感gan到dao威wei脅xie。正zheng如ru一yi個ge朋peng友you哀ai怨yuan地di說shuo：“家長也需要獨處的時間。”一起散散步，在沒孩子的地方談談心，有助於緩解焦慮，而固定的“家長獨處”日有助於我們重新體驗當初使我們走到一起來的愛的感覺。