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At the end of an interview with the chairman of a public company in China, I got a box of paper handicrafts. After taking a close friend's parents to dinner, I received a silk scarf. After meeting the son of family friends for brunch, I got a box of Beijing Olympic memorabilia.
How did I feel about getting all these "nice-to-meet-you" gifts in New York City? Awkward.
Gifts are a way to show affection and respect in most cultures. In the U.S., the end-of-year holiday season is the high time for gifts that say "I love you," and in the corporate world it's common to use small gifts with logos as marketing.
Li's editor seems somewhat baffled by this gift.
In China, giving gifts is part of everyday life. On Chinese television, many products -- from dietary supplements and moon cake (a festival dessert) to hard liquor -- are marketed as the perfect gift. That's because we need to bring gifts when we visit our parents, grandparents, relatives, teachers, bosses and colleagues. (By the way, we've imported Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day, or at least the part about buying gifts.) It's considered rude to show up at somebody's door empty-handed -- especially the first time you visit.
Why? There are many reasons, but I like the explanation offered by a Chinese friend living in New York: Most Chinese aren't comfortable with displaying emotions in public or in written notes, so we use gifts to express these feelings. A gift is a way to tell the recipient who we are and show how much we respect or love them.
While it's very important to bring the "appropriate" gift, what makes a gift appropriate is tricky. And what's appropriate for Chinese can be confusing -- or even offensive -- in another culture.
Just ask Lois Olson, a business-school professor at San Diego State University who's been visiting and teaching in China since the early 1990s.
Dr. Olson has learned that hierarchy is ingrained in Chinese society, and very much reflected in the choice of gifts. When she went to teach a marketing class at a food-processing company, she brought with her four globes. The one for the boss, whom Dr. Olson describes as a "little dragon lady," was about six inches in diameter, while the other three were about two inches in diameter. The smaller globes were for the dragon lady's underlings.
Dr. Olson knew the boss had a reputation for having complete command of her employees, and felt that "if anybody is going to appreciate hierarchy, she would." But she admits that as an American, matching gifts to positions was hard to do -- it felt rude.
Now Dr. Olson always brings a selection of different gifts when she visits China, and tailors the gift to the person. If an executive has a giant desk in the office with a jumble of trophies on display, Dr. Olson will know that they're very status-conscious. She gives such people a paperweight that's "big and heavy and says, 'I'm important,' but is totally useless," she says. If the person doesn't seem as status-obsessed, she'll give them books or beautiful photos.
In China, hierarchy doesn't just apply to gift-giving. When Dr. Olson went to China with other faculty members, she was usually the only woman on the team, and she found her male colleagues were always treated better. "They got better seats on the mini-buses and they got better views," she says. And when it came to gifts, they received bottles of Chinese whiskey while she got a silk scarf.
I can see how a Chinese host would think a silk scarf would be more useful to a woman than a bottle of whiskey. But I can also see the American point of view, and the problem with singling a person out just because she's different than the others.
Many Chinese traveling abroad like to say "Nice to meet you" with gifts that are distinctively Chinese. Like every nation, we're proud of our culture and believe that we have the responsibility to help others better understand us.
Before I came to the U.S., my best friend dragged me to a handicrafts market in Beijing to shop for gifts that are distinctively Chinese. "You're going to a new country and you're going to meet new people," she said. "It will be nice to give them something very Chinese as present."
I bought 20 ornaments that can be hung from a car's rearview mirror or on a wall. Each has a long red tassel and a red wooden plate a little smaller than a Post-It note. On one side of the plate is a calligraphic Chinese character that says either Happiness, Fortune or Longevity. On the other side is the colorful head of a character from Peking opera.
Most of the 20 ornaments are still in a plastic bag somewhere in my apartment. When I first arrived in New York, I felt weird about giving anybody a gift -- nobody did that except on special occasions. The few ornaments I gave out went mostly to my friends, and then only because I knew they would appreciate them.
I was lucky that my friend in Beijing recommended cheap and light handicrafts. A friend of mine was part of a group of Chinese bankers who attended a conference in Dubai a few years ago. They decided that miniature Chinese-style rock gardens would impress Wall Street bankers and Middle Eastern princes they might meet, but they hadn't considered that they'd have to carry heavy rocks all the way from southern China to Dubai -- or that the recipients would have to carry them home. I wonder how many of those rocks made it all the way to Wall Street.
中文閱讀：
jigeyueqian，wozainiuyuedebangongshilicaifangyiweiguoneilaideshangshigongsidongshichang。caifangjieshuhousongdaodiantikou，tadezhushoucongbaolitaochuyihejianzhishuosonggeiwozuojinian。wotuilejici，shuogongsiguidingbukeyijieshouliwu，tamenlianshuozhegebuzhiqian，wozhihaoshouxia。huilaihougeileyiweicongwozhuoqianzouguodetongshi。
我(wo)好(hao)朋(peng)友(you)的(de)父(fu)母(mu)來(lai)紐(niu)約(yue)探(tan)親(qin)，我(wo)請(qing)他(ta)們(men)吃(chi)飯(fan)，飯(fan)後(hou)非(fei)要(yao)塞(sai)給(gei)我(wo)一(yi)條(tiao)絲(si)巾(jin)。我(wo)請(qing)父(fu)母(mu)朋(peng)友(you)的(de)孩(hai)子(zi)吃(chi)飯(fan)，也(ye)不(bu)得(de)不(bu)收(shou)下(xia)一(yi)盒(he)奧(ao)運(yun)會(hui)紀(ji)念(nian)品(pin)。我(wo)辦(ban)公(gong)桌(zhuo)最(zui)下(xia)麵(mian)的(de)抽(chou)屜(ti)裏(li)還(hai)放(fang)著(zhe)幾(ji)條(tiao)絲(si)巾(jin)，都(dou)是(shi)國(guo)內(nei)來(lai)的(de)團(tuan)送(song)的(de)。並(bing)不(bu)是(shi)這(zhe)些(xie)禮(li)品(pin)不(bu)夠(gou)好(hao)－－樣樣都很精美，樣樣都代表著送禮人的心意。
在zai中zhong國guo送song禮li是shi一yi門men學xue問wen，什shen麼me人ren什shen麼me情qing況kuang下xia送song什shen麼me禮li都dou很hen有you講jiang究jiu。這zhe裏li麵mian不bu僅jin僅jin是shi禮li大da禮li小xiao的de問wen題ti，更geng多duo的de是shi一yi種zhong敬jing意yi和he問wen候hou。親qin友you間jian走zou動dong要yao送song禮li。一yi家jia公gong司si到dao另ling一yi家jia公gong司si初chu次ci拜bai訪fang，也ye常chang常chang會hui拎lin著zhe禮li品pin去qu。很hen多duo人ren在zai送song禮li上shang很hen費fei心xin思si，認ren為wei送song的de禮li越yue重zhong表biao達da的de情qing誼yi越yue深shen，而er且qie還hai會hui給gei不bu同tong級ji別bie、不同性別的人買不同的禮物。
雖sui然ran我wo們men常chang說shuo禮li多duo人ren不bu怪guai，但dan我wo這zhe裏li主zhu要yao想xiang講jiang美mei國guo人ren對dui送song禮li和he接jie受shou禮li品pin的de一yi些xie慣guan例li，以yi免mian大da家jia費fei很hen多duo心xin思si，花hua很hen大da力li氣qi拿na了le禮li品pin來lai美mei國guo，卻que不bu能neng達da到dao預yu期qi的de效xiao果guo。
在美國第一次見麵就送人禮物是很少見的。用加州聖地亞哥州立大學商學院教授Lois Olson的話說，中國人送禮表達的意思更多的是“歡迎”和“很高興認識你”，而美國人送禮表達的意思更多的是“謝謝你”。
zaigongwujiaowangzhong，henduomeiguogongsiduijieshoulipindejiazhiyoujutiguiding，songbuhaorongyidaozhiwujiehuozaochenggangachangmian。chulecuxiaoyongdeyuanzhubidengxiaolipinwai，wojiechudemeiguogongsizhonghenshaozhengshisongli。jibiansong，yechangchangshirenshiyihou，zaiguoshengdan、新年時寄張賀卡，或事情辦完後寄一張感謝卡，非常特殊的情況下送一瓶酒，一束花或一個果藍。
很多公司（包括我報社）規定，員工可以接受的禮品價值上限是20到25美(mei)元(yuan)。少(shao)數(shu)公(gong)司(si)規(gui)定(ding)極(ji)其(qi)嚴(yan)格(ge)，例(li)如(ru)沃(wo)爾(er)瑪(ma)雇(gu)員(yuan)連(lian)客(ke)戶(hu)的(de)一(yi)杯(bei)咖(ka)啡(fei)都(dou)不(bu)能(neng)喝(he)。因(yin)為(wei)怕(pa)麻(ma)煩(fan)，我(wo)和(he)我(wo)的(de)一(yi)些(xie)同(tong)事(shi)索(suo)性(xing)對(dui)外(wai)說(shuo)禮(li)品(pin)一(yi)概(gai)都(dou)不(bu)能(neng)收(shou)。有(you)時(shi)候(hou)有(you)公(gong)司(si)寄(ji)來(lai)看(kan)起(qi)來(lai)比(bi)較(jiao)貴(gui)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)，我(wo)們(men)還(hai)要(yao)花(hua)錢(qian)花(hua)時(shi)間(jian)寄(ji)回(hui)去(qu)。不(bu)宜(yi)郵(you)寄(ji)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)還(hai)得(de)送(song)到(dao)慈(ci)善(shan)組(zu)織(zhi)捐(juan)掉(diao)。就(jiu)我(wo)個(ge)人(ren)而(er)言(yan)，對(dui)製(zhi)造(zao)了(le)這(zhe)麼(me)多(duo)麻(ma)煩(fan)的(de)禮(li)品(pin)能(neng)領(ling)的(de)情(qing)是(shi)非(fei)常(chang)有(you)限(xian)的(de)。
yixiegongsiduiyuangongsongchulipindejiazhiyeyouyangeguiding，yimianzhaorebubiyaodemafan。meiguojinrongyezilvzuzhiquanguoquanshangxiehuizaiyifensiyezhidewenjianliguiding，quanshangsongkehudelipinjiazhibunengchaoguo100美元。一位做公關的朋友在一位客戶生病住院期間送了一個75美元的果籃，結果還被自己公司的財務部門追問了一番。
這並不是說美國就不存在用美酒佳肴和豪華旅遊來拉關係的現象。隻要涉及錢、權quan的de地di方fang就jiu有you發fa生sheng這zhe種zhong事shi情qing的de可ke能neng。每mei周zhou四si晚wan上shang，曼man哈ha頓dun高gao級ji餐can館guan裏li總zong是shi坐zuo滿man了le用yong公gong司si信xin用yong卡ka消xiao費fei的de證zheng券quan業ye人ren士shi和he律lv師shi。很hen多duo公gong司si都dou會hui買mai熱re門men體ti育yu比bi賽sai的de包bao廂xiang邀yao請qing客ke戶hu參can加jia，也ye有you的de在zai很hen好hao的de旅lv遊you點dian舉ju辦ban客ke戶hu會hui議yi，或huo陪pei重zhong要yao客ke戶hu到dao有you名ming的de高gao爾er夫fu球qiu場chang打da球qiu。但dan這zhe些xie活huo動dong裏li哪na些xie算suan“過分”，哪些算“適度”，全國券商協會沒有象對禮品一樣有具體規定，隻是說此類活動隻要不是太經常或太鋪張就屬正常商務活動。
三年前金融界爆出的一大醜聞是，華爾街上的中型證券經紀公司Jefferies為招攬Fidelity基金公司的經紀生意，給一位職員一年150萬美元的客戶娛樂預算用來拉關係。這位老兄多次花幾萬美元租專用飛機把Fidelityjiaoyiyuanhegaoguanfeidaoshijiegedi，zhaodaitamenjibaimeiyuanyipingdejiushui，jibaimeiyuanyizhangdewangqiubisaiheyinlehuipiao。youshiyicihuodongjiuhuadiaoshijiwanmeiyuan。quanguoquanshangxiehuihoulaiduiJefferies罰款550萬美元。
近幾年，美國政界和商界的曖昧關係也製造了不少醜聞。曾顯赫一時的共和黨說客Jack Abramoffqianliangnianlangchengruyu，zuimingzhiyijiushiyinmouhuiluguohuiyiyuan。tadaiyiyuanhezhushouqusugelandengdizhumingdegaoerfuqiuchangdaqiu，yaoqingtamendaozijikaidegaojicanguanmianfeijiucan，songtamengaojiliwudeng。weigaibianzhengjiexingxiang，guohuiliangyuanzuochuleyixiliexinguiding，liruyiyuanbunengjieshoushuokelipin，bunengyushuokeyiqijiucan（不用刀叉的冷餐，如用手和牙簽拿起來就能吃的餐前小吃，例外）等。
考(kao)慮(lv)到(dao)美(mei)國(guo)企(qi)業(ye)界(jie)和(he)政(zheng)界(jie)對(dui)禮(li)品(pin)的(de)嚴(yan)格(ge)規(gui)定(ding)，送(song)禮(li)的(de)價(jia)值(zhi)不(bu)要(yao)太(tai)高(gao)，以(yi)免(mian)產(chan)生(sheng)誤(wu)解(jie)，或(huo)給(gei)人(ren)造(zao)成(cheng)心(xin)理(li)壓(ya)力(li)。意(yi)思(si)到(dao)了(le)就(jiu)行(xing)了(le)，甚(shen)至(zhi)不(bu)送(song)可(ke)能(neng)更(geng)好(hao)，因(yin)為(wei)多(duo)數(shu)人(ren)都(dou)是(shi)有(you)職(zhi)業(ye)精(jing)神(shen)的(de)，並(bing)不(bu)會(hui)因(yin)為(wei)你(ni)送(song)不(bu)送(song)禮(li)而(er)有(you)態(tai)度(du)上(shang)的(de)區(qu)別(bie)。
送song禮li一yi定ding要yao講jiang平ping等deng。我wo不bu能neng說shuo美mei國guo社she會hui就jiu絕jue對dui平ping等deng，但dan他ta們men表biao麵mian上shang做zuo得de不bu錯cuo，至zhi少shao很hen多duo人ren說shuo話hua做zuo事shi時shi會hui比bi較jiao注zhu意yi平ping等deng待dai人ren。相xiang比bi較jiao而er言yan，中zhong國guo人ren等deng級ji觀guan念nian比bi較jiao強qiang，這zhe在zai送song禮li上shang也ye有you表biao現xian。我wo一yi位wei在zai紐niu約yue的de朋peng友you說shuo，一yi個ge中zhong國guo代dai表biao團tuan到dao她ta公gong司si參can觀guan，送song了le她ta和he她ta老lao板ban同tong樣yang的de禮li物wu，但dan老lao板ban的de比bi她ta的de大da很hen多duo，這zhe對dui一yi個ge從cong德de克ke薩sa斯si來lai的de女nv孩hai簡jian直zhi是shi不bu可ke思si議yi。
加州聖地亞哥州立大學商學院教授Lois Olson常(chang)去(qu)中(zhong)國(guo)講(jiang)課(ke)，她(ta)早(zao)已(yi)領(ling)悟(wu)了(le)中(zhong)國(guo)人(ren)送(song)禮(li)中(zhong)的(de)等(deng)級(ji)的(de)奧(ao)秘(mi)。她(ta)到(dao)一(yi)家(jia)食(shi)品(pin)公(gong)司(si)做(zuo)市(shi)場(chang)培(pei)訓(xun)時(shi)就(jiu)買(mai)了(le)四(si)個(ge)地(di)球(qiu)儀(yi)，一(yi)個(ge)大(da)的(de)給(gei)那(na)家(jia)公(gong)司(si)非(fei)常(chang)厲(li)害(hai)的(de)女(nv)老(lao)板(ban)，三(san)個(ge)小(xiao)的(de)給(gei)直(zhi)接(jie)打(da)交(jiao)道(dao)的(de)高(gao)管(guan)。女(nv)老(lao)板(ban)看(kan)她(ta)這(zhe)麼(me)識(shi)相(xiang)，笑(xiao)逐(zhu)顏(yan)開(kai)。但(dan)Olson教授說：“做到這一點對我這個美國人來說是很難的，因為我知道這種作法很粗魯。”
她(ta)這(zhe)麼(me)說(shuo)是(shi)因(yin)為(wei)她(ta)自(zi)己(ji)就(jiu)碰(peng)到(dao)有(you)中(zhong)國(guo)公(gong)司(si)送(song)她(ta)的(de)男(nan)同(tong)事(shi)名(ming)酒(jiu)而(er)隻(zhi)送(song)她(ta)一(yi)人(ren)一(yi)條(tiao)絲(si)巾(jin)。我(wo)想(xiang)，這(zhe)家(jia)公(gong)司(si)可(ke)能(neng)是(shi)覺(jiao)得(de)絲(si)巾(jin)對(dui)女(nv)人(ren)更(geng)合(he)適(shi)，但(dan)在(zai)美(mei)國(guo)人(ren)看(kan)來(lai)，你(ni)就(jiu)是(shi)把(ba)她(ta)單(dan)獨(du)拎(lin)了(le)出(chu)來(lai)，沒(mei)有(you)平(ping)等(deng)對(dui)待(dai)。這(zhe)樣(yang)送(song)禮(li)的(de)結(jie)果(guo)還(hai)不(bu)如(ru)不(bu)送(song)。
如ru果guo美mei國guo人ren送song了le你ni東dong西xi，要yao記ji得de表biao示shi感gan謝xie。一yi位wei朋peng友you在zai國guo內nei為wei一yi家jia美mei國guo科ke技ji公gong司si工gong作zuo期qi間jian，曾zeng帶dai一yi位wei高gao管guan拜bai訪fang聯lian通tong，也ye入ru鄉xiang隨sui俗su地di送song了le小xiao禮li品pin。過guo了le一yi段duan時shi間jian，這zhe位wei高gao管guan疑yi惑huo地di問wen朋peng友you：“為什麼聯通連個感謝的賀卡都沒有寄來呢？”
相關閱讀 文化視角：中西方商務餐差異
