From my perspective, once you enter into the realm of marriage, building and maintaining a successful marriage is actually a big part of personal and financial success. A solid marriage not only results in people sharing resources together, but a marriage also provides a lot of emotional support, cheerleading, and encouragement to succeed.

    In the most recent reader mailbag, I answered a question about marriage from a reader named Sally: You and your wife seem to have a very strong marriage. Can you give me some tips on how to keep my marriage strong? What do you do to keep it that way?

    After I posted the question and my response （which I quoted below）, I received a small flood of emails from readers telling me about their troubled marriage at length and asking me for more suggestions along these lines, something that I was happy to oblige in the first email, but by the time the twentieth or so arrived, I realized that this would make a better standalone post than simply reiterating the same ideas in a long string of emails.

    First, a general note: my belief is that a successful marriage is built one moment at a time. From what I've learned, a marriage is like a stone wall: it's a mix of big things and little things, all assembled together to form something strong. Sure, there are a lot of big rocks in that wall （the big moments in your marriage, like your wedding day or some other big, key moment）, but those rocks don't fit together without a lot of little rocks to fill in the gaps and make them strong.

    Most marriages seem to have little problem with their big moments. It's easy to think back and think of big, happy moments in the marriage. I tend to believe that most marriages fail because of the small moments. Our individual lives get so busy that we fail to spend the time and effort to put those little stones in place, and when a bit of pressure is applied, the wall falls apart easily. On the other hand, when the little stones are there to fill in the gaps, the wall becomes strong and able to withstand anything that comes along.

    I also believe that the little things are hard. Often, it's not a matter of desire - almost all of us genuinely want to make our marriages work and work well. The challenge for many is that we get wrapped up in the complexity of our own lives. Others simply have difficulty expressing or showing what we feel.

    What follows are twelve little things I do quite regularly to put those little pieces into my marriage. Please, use as many of these as seem reasonable. The first five are quoted from my response to the original question in the mailbag.

    I tell my wife I love her every single day.I usually do it in the morning before she leaves the bedroom, and on weekdays I'll also tell her when I see her in the evening for the first time. I usually couple it with a kiss. It's so simple, but it's a constant reminder of the fact that I do love her, no matter what.

    I ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions.I do this not only so I can keep tabs on her professional life, but also to give her a great chance to vent about her situation. Everyone needs to talk about themselves sometimes to someone who is interested - I try to provide that for her as often as I can.

    I try to surprise her on a regular basis.I'll spend an hour preparing a really excellent supper when she doesn't expect it. I'll spontaneously give the kids a bath when she's comfortable on the couch under a blanket, even if it's her turn. Doing these little unexpected things not only shows her I care, but also often compels her to do similar things for me.

    I hold her hand. I do this all the time, whenever it crosses my mind and seems appropriate.I'll just hold her hand gently while we're talking or we're riding in the car or we're waiting for an appointment or we're sitting on the couch in the evenings.

    I talk about EVERYTHING with her and let her determine what's interesting.If something is concerning me, I don't hide it from her. I tell her about it. Most of the time she's interested and we'll discuss it - sometimes she's not and I let it drop （this is key - if she's not into the topic, I don't push it）. Either way, though, she gets the message that I'm making an effort to share and be open.

    I work on building a positive relationship with her family.Whenever I visit or see anyone in her family, I make a special effort to try to establish or build upon a strong relationship with them. This accomplishes several things: it makes her more at ease in a family situation, it helps me to build stronger ties with people that are important to her, and it helps me to understand the influences that were around her as she grew up.

    I send her messages during the day.About once a week, during a time where my wife is really present in my thoughts, I send her a little simple note by email. All it says is something along the lines of "I was thinking about you just now. I can't wait until I see you this evening." It's just a very simple way of letting her know she's on my mind and in my heart.

    I put careful thought into gifts I give her.Sure, it's easy to just run out and get a generic gift to cover yourself during an anniversary or a birthday. However, a gift with some real thought behind it means substantially more than an obviously off-the-cuff gift.

    I encourage her to follow her passions and interests, even if they don't inspire or interest me.If my wife chooses to spend significant time on a project, it's obviously something that's important to her. That doesn't imply at all that it has to be important to me. If she's involved in her own project, I give her positive encouragement and then work on my own interests instead of saying things like "that seems like a waste of time."

    If she needs me, I willingly contribute to those passions.If something genuinely excites her and she wants me to experience it, I willingly involve myself in whatever it may be: a particular type of art, a craft project, a yard project, whatever. Even if I don't enjoy it, I do have the opportunity to learn more about my wife and what she's passionate about, which means that my understanding of her grows.

    I look for opportunities to build mutual friendships.The idea that there is a group of people that are "my" friends and another group that is "her" friends can be a big dividing factor between us. Instead, I often focus on building friendships and relationships that we share with others so that something of a community of friendship and love grows up around us.

    I hold her every night, even if it's just for a moment.I might be completely exhausted when I go to bed in the evening, but I take a moment to move close to her, put my arm around her, and hold her close, even if it's just for a minute or so. That moment of physical contact to end the day is a simple sign of love.

    我(wo)覺(jiao)得(de)從(cong)踏(ta)入(ru)婚(hun)姻(yin)的(de)城(cheng)堡(bao)起(qi)，建(jian)立(li)和(he)維(wei)護(hu)一(yi)樁(zhuang)美(mei)滿(man)的(de)婚(hun)姻(yin)便(bian)是(shi)個(ge)人(ren)和(he)事(shi)業(ye)成(cheng)功(gong)的(de)一(yi)個(ge)重(zhong)要(yao)部(bu)分(fen)。一(yi)樁(zhuang)美(mei)滿(man)的(de)婚(hun)姻(yin)並(bing)不(bu)僅(jin)僅(jin)意(yi)味(wei)著(zhe)兩(liang)人(ren)間(jian)的(de)資(zi)源(yuan)共(gong)享(xiang)，它(ta)還(hai)會(hui)給(gei)予(yu)你(ni)更(geng)多(duo)的(de)感(gan)情(qing)支(zhi)持(chi)並(bing)賦(fu)予(yu)你(ni)邁(mai)向(xiang)成(cheng)功(gong)的(de)勇(yong)氣(qi)。

    在最近的讀者信箱裏，我曾回答過一個叫Sally的讀者有關婚姻方麵的問題，她說：你的婚姻看起來很幸福，你能否傳授我一些保持幸福婚姻的小技巧
？你是怎麼做到的呢？

    後來我給出了意見和答案（下麵會提到）.我接到過許多這樣的讀者郵件，都是關於如何挽救糟糕的婚姻的。在前幾封信時，我很樂於去一一幫助他們

，但隨著時間的推移有20多封有關這方麵的信
，我意識到應該單獨討論一下這個問題
，這會比隻在那進行一係列相同意見的回複要好的多。

    首先
，有一個根本性的提示：我相信幸福的婚姻是建立在每一個小瞬間的。在我看來，婚姻就像一堵牆：一堆大大小小的石塊砌在一起才變成堅固的牆。砌牆用的大石塊（類似於你婚姻中某些重要的時刻
，比如結婚當天或者其他很重要的日子）,但是這些大石塊並不能使彼此緊密的砌在一起，所以必須要為其加入一些小石塊

，好填滿空隙，隻有這樣的牆才是堅固的。

    很hen多duo婚hun姻yin的de重zhong要yao時shi刻ke看kan起qi來lai都dou是shi沒mei有you什shen麼me問wen題ti的de。在zai幸xing福fu的de時shi刻ke，它ta們men容rong易yi被bei想xiang起qi，被bei擴kuo大da。我wo更geng傾qing向xiang於yu許xu多duo失shi敗bai的de婚hun姻yin是shi由you於yu一yi些xie生sheng活huo中zhong的de小xiao點dian滴di造zao成cheng的de。我wo們men每mei個ge人ren都dou繁fan忙mang的de生sheng活huo著zhe
，讓rang我wo們men沒mei有you充chong足zu的de時shi間jian去qu下xia功gong夫fu--去加那些"小石塊".所以當"牆"受到一點壓力時就會因無法支撐而坍塌。換句話說，如果我們記得用"小石塊" 填滿那些空隙，那麼"牆"才能堅固到可以抵禦即將到來的壓力。

    我也相信要做到這些小事是很難的。通常它們不關乎欲望--幾(ji)乎(hu)我(wo)們(men)所(suo)有(you)人(ren)都(dou)真(zhen)誠(cheng)的(de)希(xi)望(wang)自(zi)己(ji)有(you)一(yi)樁(zhuang)美(mei)滿(man)的(de)婚(hun)姻(yin)。對(dui)許(xu)多(duo)人(ren)來(lai)說(shuo)對(dui)付(fu)我(wo)們(men)已(yi)經(jing)成(cheng)型(xing)的(de)複(fu)雜(za)生(sheng)活(huo)本(ben)身(shen)就(jiu)是(shi)一(yi)個(ge)挑(tiao)戰(zhan)，讓(rang)我(wo)們(men)精(jing)疲(pi)力(li)盡(jin)，剩(sheng)下(xia)的(de)一(yi)些(xie)簡(jian)單(dan)的(de)東(dong)西(xi)反(fan)而(er)因(yin)為(wei)簡(jian)單(dan)讓(rang)我(wo)們(men)覺(jiao)得(de)難(nan)以(yi)表(biao)達(da)或(huo)表(biao)現(xian)。

    以下是我在婚姻生活中會定期做的12件事。請合理的最大化的運用它們。前五個是引自我回複讀者郵件中的。

    我每天都會跟妻子說"我愛她".wotongchangzaitazaochenqichuangqianyijimeitianwanshanghuijiahoudiyicijiantashigentashuozhejuhua。tongchanghaibanyouyigewen。zhehenjiandan，danshizhequeshishizaixianshizhonghenyouxiaodetixinglewo，wulunruhewozhendehenaita。

    tanluntayitiandesuojiansuowenheyixiekunhuo。wozhemezuobujinshiwoyaomiqieguanzhutadezhiyeshengya，bingqiehaiyaogeiyutayigefaxiezijidehaojihui。xuduoshihou
，meigerendouxuyaohetamenxiaiderentantanziji。wohuijingchangnulichangshizuozhegeren。

    wohuidingqigeitayigejingxi。wohuihuayigexiaoshilaizhunbeiyigetabingbuzhidaodefengshengdacan。wohuizaitashufudetangzaishafashangdeshihou，zijiaodegeihaizimenxizao
，jishishizailundaotazuodeshihou。quzuozhexietabingweiqiwangdexiaoshi，erbuqutebiebiaoxiannashiwozuode，erqieyebuyiciqiangpotaweiwozuozhexie。

    隻zhi要yao我wo想xiang起qi來lai
，我wo會hui在zai任ren何he合he適shi的de場chang合he握wo住zhu她ta的de手shou。當dang我wo們men一yi起qi聊liao天tian
，一yi起qi在zai車che裏li讀du書shu，或huo者zhe是shi在zai等deng待dai參can加jia一yi個ge約yue會hui

，又you或huo者zhe是shi晚wan上shang坐zuo在zai沙sha發fa上shang
，我wo都dou會hui很hen溫wen柔rou的de握wo住zhu她ta的de手shou。

    談tan論lun一yi切qie和he她ta有you關guan的de事shi情qing並bing讓rang她ta選xuan擇ze她ta自zi己ji感gan興xing趣qu的de。如ru果guo談tan到dao了le有you關guan我wo的de事shi情qing
，我wo也ye不bu會hui隱yin瞞man她ta。我wo會hui把ba整zheng件jian事shi告gao訴su她ta
，大da多duo數shu時shi候hou隻zhi要yao她ta感gan興xing趣qu我wo們men就jiu聊liao聊liao它ta--有時她不願意談的我也就不再提起（這是關鍵--如果她不想談論這個話題，我也不會再去提它）.無論哪種方式，但隻要是她得知了一點的，那就一定是我努力想要與她分享的。

    我努力與她的家庭建立一種友好的關係。無論何時，我都會特別努力的去與在她家所見到的任何一個人建立穩定的關係。這有許多功效：這(zhe)可(ke)以(yi)使(shi)她(ta)有(you)一(yi)個(ge)很(hen)融(rong)洽(qia)的(de)家(jia)庭(ting)關(guan)係(xi)，也(ye)可(ke)以(yi)使(shi)我(wo)和(he)那(na)些(xie)對(dui)她(ta)很(hen)重(zhong)要(yao)的(de)人(ren)之(zhi)間(jian)的(de)聯(lian)係(xi)變(bian)得(de)更(geng)緊(jin)密(mi)，而(er)且(qie)還(hai)能(neng)幫(bang)助(zhu)我(wo)了(le)解(jie)她(ta)從(cong)小(xiao)所(suo)受(shou)到(dao)的(de)家(jia)庭(ting)影(ying)響(xiang)。

    白天我會給她發郵件。大約每周我會發一封簡短的郵件，與此同時我會想我的妻子現在在哪兒呢。一般都是寫一些像"我想你。我等不及想要見到你"這類的話。這個方式很簡單就能讓她知道我愛她、我想她。

    仔(zai)細(xi)的(de)挑(tiao)選(xuan)禮(li)物(wu)。當(dang)然(ran)，如(ru)果(guo)你(ni)僅(jin)僅(jin)是(shi)跑(pao)出(chu)去(qu)找(zhao)一(yi)個(ge)普(pu)通(tong)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)來(lai)使(shi)自(zi)己(ji)可(ke)以(yi)應(ying)付(fu)一(yi)個(ge)周(zhou)年(nian)紀(ji)念(nian)或(huo)者(zhe)生(sheng)日(ri)的(de)話(hua)那(na)是(shi)很(hen)簡(jian)單(dan)。無(wu)論(lun)怎(zen)樣(yang)，一(yi)個(ge)真(zhen)心(xin)挑(tiao)選(xuan)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)要(yao)比(bi)一(yi)個(ge)即(ji)時(shi)挑(tiao)選(xuan)的(de)禮(li)物(wu)的(de)實(shi)際(ji)的(de)意(yi)義(yi)大(da)的(de)多(duo)。

    wogulitazhuixunzijideaihaohexingqu，jishitamenbingbunengjiqiwodexingqu。ruguowodeqizixuanzehuashijianzuomoujianshi，henmingxiannayidingduitahenzhongyao。dannabingbuyiweizheduiwoyehenzhongyao。ruguotazhendequzuole，wohuigeitajijidegulibingjixuzhewozijiganxingqudeshi，erbushizheyangshuo："你是在浪費時間。"

    如果她需要我，我樂於促成。如果有什麼真的打動了她
，而且她希望我能用豐富的經驗指導她，我樂於參與，不論是什麼：一(yi)種(zhong)特(te)別(bie)的(de)藝(yi)術(shu)，手(shou)工(gong)藝(yi)，園(yuan)藝(yi)，無(wu)論(lun)什(shen)麼(me)。甚(shen)至(zhi)是(shi)我(wo)不(bu)喜(xi)歡(huan)的(de)
，不(bu)過(guo)我(wo)有(you)了(le)一(yi)個(ge)絕(jue)佳(jia)的(de)去(qu)了(le)解(jie)我(wo)的(de)妻(qi)子(zi)和(he)我(wo)妻(qi)子(zi)所(suo)鍾(zhong)愛(ai)的(de)事(shi)業(ye)的(de)機(ji)會(hui)，這(zhe)意(yi)味(wei)著(zhe)我(wo)對(dui)她(ta)的(de)認(ren)識(shi)更(geng)深(shen)入(ru)了(le)。

    我期待建立共有朋友的機會。這個想法出現是因為，我有一群"我"的朋友，她有一群"她"的de朋peng友you，而er這zhe種zhong形xing式shi使shi得de我wo們men之zhi間jian有you了le很hen多duo區qu分fen因yin素su。換huan句ju話hua說shuo，我wo通tong常chang集ji中zhong的de建jian立li一yi些xie可ke以yi互hu相xiang分fen享xiang的de友you誼yi和he關guan係xi

，這zhe樣yang有you利li於yu建jian立li一yi個ge能neng讓rang愛ai和he友you誼yi累lei積ji起qi來lai的de固gu定ding的de小xiao團tuan體ti。

    我wo每mei晚wan都dou會hui抱bao著zhe她ta，雖sui然ran也ye許xu隻zhi有you一yi會hui兒er。可ke能neng我wo晚wan上shang睡shui覺jiao時shi已yi經jing筋jin疲pi力li盡jin了le，但dan我wo還hai是shi會hui留liu出chu時shi間jian靠kao近jin她ta
，抱bao住zhu她ta，和he她ta緊jin緊jin的de挨ai住zhu，即ji使shi這zhe個ge過guo程cheng隻zhi有you幾ji分fen鍾zhong。簡jian短duan的de身shen體ti接jie觸chu是shi那na一yi天tian結jie束shu時shi最zui簡jian單dan的de愛ai的de信xin號hao。