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My teens are on notice. They should have no expectation of electronic privacy as far as their mother and I are concerned. We consider everything they post to Facebook, every text message or photo they send, every website they visit and every email they exchange to be our business, subject to review at any time.
Harsh?
Occasionally, when I mention this policy in conversation with other parents, I get a politely horrified reaction, as though I'd just transformed into Dick Cheney in front of their eyes.
What about trust and respect among family members? Autonomy? Dignity? As your children travel the road toward maturity and independence, don't you want them to see you as a loving guide leading the way, not a traffic cop hiding in the bushes?
These concerns nag at me. I think of myself as an enlightened parent (don't we all?) who values an open, honest, supportive relationship with his kids. And I remember how righteously I demanded my privacy when I was their age.
I resolve those concerns with a shopworn cliché: Things are different now.
Electronic communications have a permanence and a susceptibility to being duplicated and disseminated that the diaries and conversations I considered off limits to my folks didn't have.
My ill-chosen words and humiliating admissions from high school either faded quickly from memory or ended up packed away in closets and crawl spaces. Theirs stand to be archived in searchable databases along with the thousands of digital images everyone with a cellphone now seems to generate.
And they do nearly all their communicating in writing, a medium in which it's particularly easy to be misunderstood. Emoticons are a poor substitute for facial expressions, body language and intonation.
And then, of course, there are Internet predators, cyberbullies, scam artists, propaganda and porn, just to name a few of the lions, tigers and bears along the road.
Yes, I know. This reads like it's copied from the Fuddy-Duddy Dad's Handbook (for instance, the telltale reference to email, as if kids use that anymore) — specifically the chapter on how to rationalize one's conversion to domestic fascism.
But my job, at this point, isn't to be cool. It's to help my 14-year-old twins learn to harness the awesome, seductive power of the communication tools we now hand them — we must hand them, as they are virtually a necessity in modern life — at an age when they don't yet have the judgment or experience to use them wisely and in moderation.
And since we wouldn't want to lurk over their shoulders at every moment or monitor every digital back-and-forth even if we had the time, we simply reserve the right to snoop without warning or notice. We tell them they should think of every IM, every text, every post and every comment as containing the header "cc: Mom & Dad."
We won't listen in when they're just talking to their friends or search their rooms unless we feel we have probable cause (defined as notably unusual and otherwise inexplicable behavior).
All computer screens in our house are in public areas with the screens facing out. The kids aren't allowed to have their cellphones at hand while doing homework or after bedtime. They must "friend" us, mortifying as that is.
This topic has already touched off a spirited conversation on my regular Facebook page and my professional Facebook page (don't ask, just "like" and friend me) and here on this blog, where without prejudice I threw out the question:
Do you, should you, reserve the right to read your teen's Facebook message threads, text message conversations and email?
I haven't totaled up the responses, but quite a few parents have echoed the sentiments of my Facebook (and real life) friend Darrah Cousino, mother of three, who wrote, "Once your child is in high school, there has to be probable cause before you are invasive. It is a matter of respect."
But many sided with Mike Wean, who anticipated my answer when he posted, "I feel I have to. The Web is a minefield, you can literally be bullied to death via social media, and a loose text can ruin your reputation. My wife and I keep tabs, but rarely intervene. More important, we talk a lot about how to have fun with all these cool tools without doing anything too stupid."
There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to teens and digital privacy. But there is one common goal: To minimize the number of serious mistakes they make with electronica before we unleash them into the adult world, and to have them look back one day and text us: "Thanks. Well done. :)"
文：埃裏克•佐恩（Eric Zorn）
譯：Easonwang001
我兩個十幾歲的孩子一直被看著呢。隻要有我們在，他們就別指望有什麼電子隱私。在我們父母看來，他們貼在Facebook上的每條帖子、他們發出的每條短信和每幅圖片，他們訪問的每個網址，他們與朋友交流的每封郵件都是我們理應關心的份內之事，隨時都可以檢查。
有點不近人情？
偶ou然ran間jian，與yu其qi他ta父fu母mu聊liao天tian的de時shi候hou，我wo談tan到dao了le我wo們men的de這zhe個ge方fang針zhen，他ta們men都dou很hen驚jing愕e，委wei婉wan地di表biao示shi了le不bu同tong意yi見jian，在zai他ta們men眼yan裏li，好hao像xiang我wo已yi經jing成cheng了le另ling外wai一yi個ge迪di克ke•切尼（Dick Cheney）。
家(jia)人(ren)之(zhi)間(jian)的(de)信(xin)任(ren)和(he)尊(zun)重(zhong)哪(na)兒(er)去(qu)了(le)？自(zi)主(zhu)權(quan)哪(na)兒(er)去(qu)了(le)，尊(zun)嚴(yan)又(you)放(fang)在(zai)哪(na)兒(er)？孩(hai)子(zi)們(men)慢(man)慢(man)地(di)成(cheng)熟(shu)和(he)獨(du)立(li)了(le)，你(ni)想(xiang)讓(rang)他(ta)們(men)覺(jiao)得(de)你(ni)自(zi)己(ji)是(shi)個(ge)帶(dai)路(lu)的(de)好(hao)先(xian)導(dao)，還(hai)是(shi)躲(duo)在(zai)樹(shu)叢(cong)中(zhong)的(de)交(jiao)通(tong)警(jing)察(cha)？
這些擔心不斷煩擾著我。作為父母，我們覺得自己還算開明，很重視與孩子們那種開放、坦誠和支持的關係。我們做父母的不都是這樣嗎？還記得我是他們那麼大的時候，我要求別人尊重自己隱私時的那種理直氣壯。
對付那些擔心，我的回答很老套：現在的情況不一樣了。
電(dian)子(zi)方(fang)式(shi)溝(gou)通(tong)時(shi)的(de)內(nei)容(rong)存(cun)在(zai)是(shi)永(yong)久(jiu)的(de)，也(ye)容(rong)易(yi)產(chan)生(sheng)傷(shang)害(hai)，這(zhe)很(hen)傷(shang)害(hai)容(rong)易(yi)放(fang)大(da)和(he)擴(kuo)散(san)，而(er)傳(chuan)統(tong)的(de)那(na)些(xie)日(ri)記(ji)和(he)談(tan)話(hua)，盡(jin)管(guan)也(ye)是(shi)禁(jin)忌(ji)的(de)話(hua)題(ti)，卻(que)沒(mei)有(you)那(na)麼(me)大(da)的(de)影(ying)響(xiang)。
gaozhongshidewoxuanzebudangdeyongcihelingrenxiukuidetanbaishuyaomeyijinghenkuaidicongjiyizhongdanwangle，yaomejiubeidabaofangzaijialidenagexiaoguihuozhekongdifangle。erxianzaidehaizimendene？xianzaimeigeyoushoujiderensuishoujiunengpaichuzhaopian，tamendeyancijiugenzhexiezhaopianyiqicunfangzaikeyisousuodeshujukuli。
現在他們幾乎所有的交流都是靠寫作完成的，而偏偏這種方式特別容易產生誤解。與麵部表情、身體語言和抑揚頓挫的語調相比，表情符號代替的效果還是不行的。
當然，與現實中攔在路上的獅子、老虎一樣，信息世界裏也有網絡虐童者、網霸、騙子、情色片。
當然，我知道：這些讀起來好像是從老頑固的手冊裏摘抄出來的，特別像從有理地將談話內容轉化為家庭集權專製那一節弄出來的。
但是我現在的任務可沒那麼沉著冷靜。我得幫助我那14歲的雙胞胎學習一下怎麼駕馭那了不起的、有魅力的通訊工具，因為那幾乎是現在生活的必須。不過身處這樣的時代，他們尚未有足夠的判斷力或經驗理智而有節製地使用這些。
即ji使shi我wo們men有you時shi間jian，我wo們men也ye不bu想xiang每mei時shi每mei刻ke都dou在zai背bei後hou監jian視shi他ta們men，關guan注zhu他ta們men來lai回hui的de電dian子zi交jiao流liu，所suo以yi我wo們men保bao留liu沒mei有you任ren何he預yu警jing或huo提ti前qian通tong知zhi的de查zha看kan監jian督du的de權quan利li。我wo們men告gao訴su他ta們men：你們應該覺得自己的每一條即時通訊、每一條短信、每一張帖子、每一個評論都含有“抄送：爸爸和媽媽”的抬頭。
如(ru)果(guo)覺(jiao)得(de)沒(mei)有(you)充(chong)分(fen)的(de)理(li)由(you)，他(ta)們(men)在(zai)跟(gen)朋(peng)友(you)談(tan)話(hua)或(huo)者(zhe)在(zai)房(fang)間(jian)裏(li)找(zhao)東(dong)西(xi)時(shi)，我(wo)們(men)是(shi)不(bu)會(hui)監(jian)聽(ting)他(ta)們(men)的(de)。充(chong)分(fen)理(li)由(you)指(zhi)的(de)舉(ju)動(dong)異(yi)常(chang)或(huo)者(zhe)是(shi)行(xing)為(wei)神(shen)秘(mi)時(shi)。
womenjialisuoyoudediannaopingmudoushizaigonggongquyuli，erqiepingmudouchaowaixianshi。zuozuoyeshihuozheshangchuangshuijiao，haizimenshibuyunxupengshoujide。tamenbixujiawomenweihaoyou，jinguantamenjiaodenashiyueshu。
在我常用的Facebook頁麵和博客頁麵，我毫無偏見地拋出了自己的問題：
你是否保留或者應該保留閱讀十幾歲的孩子Facebook 信息、短信聊天或者郵件內容的權利？
現在已經有了積極的回應。
我還沒有統計所有的回應，但是相當多的父母表達了與我Facebook好友達拉•庫西諾（Darrah Cousino）（當然，我們生活中也是好友）的觀點，“你孩子上高中後，在你動手幹預之前你得找個充分的理由。這是一個關乎尊重的問題。”
但也有很多人站在邁克•威恩（Mike Wean）一邊，他們貼出自己的觀點時也想到了我的答案：“我(wo)覺(jiao)得(de)我(wo)得(de)保(bao)留(liu)那(na)樣(yang)的(de)權(quan)利(li)。網(wang)絡(luo)也(ye)很(hen)危(wei)險(xian)，社(she)交(jiao)媒(mei)體(ti)也(ye)能(neng)嚇(xia)死(si)你(ni)，隨(sui)便(bian)一(yi)條(tiao)短(duan)息(xi)也(ye)能(neng)讓(rang)您(nin)名(ming)譽(yu)掃(sao)地(di)。我(wo)和(he)我(wo)妻(qi)子(zi)都(dou)在(zai)密(mi)切(qie)地(di)看(kan)著(zhe)他(ta)們(men)呢(ne)，幾(ji)乎(hu)不(bu)做(zuo)幹(gan)預(yu)。更(geng)重(zhong)要(yao)的(de)是(shi)，怎(zen)樣(yang)避(bi)免(mian)用(yong)這(zhe)些(xie)酷(ku)酷(ku)的(de)工(gong)具(ju)做(zuo)傻(sha)事(shi)，我(wo)們(men)談(tan)了(le)很(hen)多(duo)如(ru)何(he)用(yong)這(zhe)些(xie)工(gong)具(ju)做(zuo)有(you)趣(qu)的(de)事(shi)情(qing)。”
就十幾歲的孩子和電子隱私之間如何協調沒有什麼通用的方法。但有一條共同的目標：zaishifangtamenjinruchengrenshijiezhiqian，womendejinliangjianshaotamenyongdianzigongjufanxiadeyanzhongcuowu。nayitianhuiguotoulaixiangqizhexieshiqingdeshihou，tamenhuigeiwomenfatiaoduanxin：“謝謝爸媽。你們做得很對。”
