In my last post on The Change Blog, I talked about disconnecting your happiness from others – how when you depend on others for your happiness you only make yourself （and others） more unhappy. Instead, I said, you need to find happiness within.

    Easier said than done though, I know. To find happiness within, you can go to coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, or any other number of happiness professionals. You can read books, blogs, or magazines, watch TV shows and DVDs or listen to the radio, podcasts or self-improvement CDs.

    And yet when it comes down to it, there are only two things you need to remember if you want to be happy.

    1. It's not about you, so check the ego at the door.

    2. Whatever you do, do it because you choose to.

    It's not about you

    This is easy-sounding advice but probably one of the hardest things to actually implement. Human beings seem to be biologically programmed to think everything has something to do with them.

    An earthquake hits their house? A direct attack on their happiness.

    A friend says something thoughtless and hurtful? An unfair and gratuitous attack and not because the friend has a splitting headache and has been dealing with a malfunctioning computer all day long.

    A loved one does something that's reminiscent of something that caused pain in the past? How dare the loved one bring up such hurtful memories!

    When we make things all about us and don't check our ego at the door, we shut out the world and yet at the same time expect everyone to consider our feelings, our needs and our emotional baggage before their own. We let pride cause us to react negatively and we let the past overly influence our responses to present situations.

    Let's look at a （fictional） example:

    Let's say I've let my partner use my laptop. I don't like to run the computer on AC power with the battery plugged in just in case the battery has a "memory" - I want to maintain the life of the battery as long as I can. I've explained this to my partner and yet one day I come into the room and see that he's running the computer off AC power and has the battery plugged in as well.

    I get angry and express my anger. My partner reacts by saying "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant once the battery was fully charged. I was planning on unplugging it once it reached a 100% charge."

    Instead of accepting this explanation, I let pride and ego get in the way and stay angry for several hours, with thoughts like "how stupid could he be?" and "but I explained it to him!" running through my head. In fact, he reminds me of an ex who never listened either and always did the opposite of what I ask.

    Plus my partner is now upset because he's sorry that he misunderstood and angry because I've refused to accept his explanation.

    Our day is now totally ruined.

    If you find yourself in situations like this, before ruining your day （and that of others） ask yourself the following questions:

    * Is this a purposeful attack on me or a misunderstanding?

    * Why am I really upset?

    * Can I change what's going on?

    In the above example, if I had made an effort to hear my partner I would have quickly realized that although his misunderstanding was frustrating, it wasn't a personal attack or wanton negligence. As well with a little self-reflection, I would have realized that my anger actually has little to do with the current situation and more to do with my own feelings of people not listening to or following my wishes. Again, since the current situation was a misunderstanding, it has nothing to do with the past.

    Finally, can I change the situation? In this case yes. If I don't think my partner will use the computer in the way I wish it to be used, I can ask that he not use it in the future.

    By disconnecting myself and my feelings of hurt and frustration from the situation, I can deal with the issue quickly, find a resolution and go back to being happy.

    As long as I remember that except for very rare situations with highly negative people, potentially upsetting situations are most of the time only misunderstandings and not personal attacks, then I don't have to let them ruin my day.

    Even in the rare situations where someone is purposefully trying to hurt you, if you remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person's own emotional baggage then whatever he or she tosses our way has no lasting effect on our happiness.

    Choose what you do

    So that takes care of the actions of others. We now won't let what other people do affect our own happiness. But what about our own actions? Many people pass through life doing things they hate and tell themselves they have to do them or that they have no choice.

    And for some, unfortunately that is the case. People who do not have their basic needs met on a regular basis （i.e., food, shelter and basic security – the first two levels of Maslow's human hierarchy of needs pyramid） often have to make difficult choices between various shades of unhappiness.

    For many people however, everything they do is a choice and if they are unhappy about their choices, often one of three things is getting in the way:

    1. Obligation

    2. Autopilot

    3. Expectations

    People who live with a sense of obligation are always saying "I should do this" rather than "I want to" or "I choose to." They feel that the world judge their actions and that they need to conform to some outside view of what is proper and right. They bury their dreams and desires and live to someone else's code of behavior （often completely imagined）.

    Others live in the future instead of the present. They have certain goals that they expect to reach （often highly colored by what others supposedly want them to do） and pay no attention to how they feel in the moment. Yes, sometimes to reach a goal we end up doing things that don't totally thrill us, but if we're reaching for a goal whose path is loathsome, then why head in that direction?

    Then there's a third group of people who live on autopilot letting situations decide their actions or blindly follow what other people tell them to do without questioning whether it's right for them. People who live this way are often unhappy but don't know why they're unhappy, which makes sense because if they're sleepwalking through life they're not going to be paying my attention to their emotions either.

    Fortunately this type of unhappiness is relatively easy to cure. It starts by living consciously and being aware of our actions. If necessary we can log our days and our decisions, noting how we feel about each action. By doing so we force ourselves to be aware of every action and every choice we make. We also become aware of the scripts that run through our head as we do things.

    For example, I always used to find myself really cranky after hanging up the laundry to dry. For no clear reason, every time I hung the laundry I had formed the habit of letting all the little annoying things about my day, my partner and my business run through my head as I hung the clothes on the line. Understandably I therefore hated hanging the laundry. By paying attention to what I was doing and thinking I changed the habit and now make an effort to think about positive things and I no longer hate hanging the laundry.

    The first two types of unhappiness – obligation and expectations – are a little more complicated and require more in depth examination of our motives and desires.

    In Spanish there are two ways of asking "why" – one which looks back at reasons （por qué） and one that looks forward at intention （para qué）.

    When we ask ourselves por qué， we look back at the things that have brought us to the action. For example, before starting my own business, I tried to fit into the nine-to-five office world even though it made me miserable. By asking myself por qué I learned that I was doing so because I thought that's what a responsible adult did – work and earn money to buy things even if you're not happy.

    Then when I asked myself para qué – what for? what desire was I chasing? – I had no answer. That was when I decided to get out and follow my dreams.

    And even though the life of an entrepreneur is hard at times, I'm much （much!） happier.

    Now, because I live my life consciously, aware of my actions, and because I ask myself why and what for （reasons and desires）, I make decisions and choices on a daily basis that add to my happiness – which comes 100% from within me and doesn't depend on anyone else.

    Happiness Tricks

    To finish off, let's talk a bit about resources.

    Everyone has their favorite short cuts to happiness, whether it's dancing in the living room, getting together with friends, or curling up with a book. If you want some proven ways to make yourself happier, there are a huge number of books and websites available.

    I've included here my Top Four resources （in no particular order）.:

    1. The Comfort Trap by Judith Sills

    2. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

    3. 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman

    4. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin （book in pre-order but the blog offers a lot of great tips）

    wozaigaibianbokezhongdeshangyipiantiezitidaorangnidekuaileyuanlitaren，ruguonidekuailequjueyutaren，namenizhihuirangzijihetarengengjiadebukuaile。yaowoshuo，nigengyinggaicongzishenxunzhaokuaile。

    dangranwozhidaoshuozheyi

，zuozhenan。weilecongneixinxunzhaokuaile，nikexiangsirenjiaolian，xinlixuejia
，jingshenyishi，fudaoyuan，zhiliaoshihuozheqitadegezhonggeleidekuailezhuanjiaqiuzhu
；也可以通過閱讀書籍，博客或者雜誌
，觀看電視節目或者光碟
，再或者聽收音機，播客或者自我進修的光盤來找尋內在的快樂。

    歸根結底
，如果你想變得快樂
，你隻需要記住兩件事：

    1.這與你無關，所以在事情臨近時保持自我！

    2.選擇你所要做的

，無論何事。

    與你無關

    這個建議聽起來很容易，但是實際上是最難實現的一個。人類作為一個生物體總會認為萬事與自己相關。

    地震襲擊了他們房屋？對他們快樂的直接攻擊。

    朋友說了些輕率而且傷害到你的話
？不公平而且毫無緣由的攻擊，並不是因為朋友有偏頭痛或者用了一整天有故障的電腦。

    戀人做了些什麼讓你回想起過去曾因此而受過的傷害？戀人怎麼敢提起如此傷人的記憶呢！

    當(dang)我(wo)們(men)把(ba)所(suo)有(you)的(de)事(shi)情(qing)都(dou)與(yu)自(zi)己(ji)相(xiang)關(guan)聯(lian)，而(er)不(bu)是(shi)在(zai)開(kai)始(shi)之(zhi)前(qian)審(shen)視(shi)自(zi)我(wo)，我(wo)們(men)將(jiang)會(hui)與(yu)世(shi)隔(ge)絕(jue)並(bing)且(qie)總(zong)是(shi)希(xi)望(wang)他(ta)人(ren)在(zai)他(ta)們(men)自(zi)己(ji)之(zhi)前(qian)優(you)先(xian)考(kao)慮(lv)到(dao)我(wo)們(men)的(de)感(gan)受(shou)

，我(wo)們(men)的(de)需(xu)求(qiu)，我(wo)們(men)的(de)心(xin)理(li)包(bao)袱(fu)。我(wo)們(men)因(yin)自(zi)負(fu)產(chan)生(sheng)消(xiao)極(ji)的(de)反(fan)應(ying)，我(wo)們(men)因(yin)過(guo)去(qu)而(er)過(guo)分(fen)影(ying)響(xiang)對(dui)現(xian)狀(zhuang)的(de)反(fan)應(ying)。

    讓我們來看一個（虛構的）案例：

    假如我將我的筆記本電腦借給搭檔使用。我不喜歡電池沒有卸下就直接用交流電運行電腦，隻是避免電池有"記憶性"---我(wo)想(xiang)盡(jin)量(liang)將(jiang)電(dian)池(chi)的(de)壽(shou)命(ming)維(wei)護(hu)的(de)長(chang)一(yi)些(xie)。盡(jin)管(guan)我(wo)已(yi)經(jing)將(jiang)這(zhe)個(ge)與(yu)搭(da)檔(dang)說(shuo)明(ming)了(le)，但(dan)是(shi)有(you)一(yi)天(tian)我(wo)走(zou)進(jin)房(fang)間(jian)，看(kan)見(jian)電(dian)腦(nao)在(zai)運(yun)行(xing)著(zhe)，交(jiao)流(liu)電(dian)源(yuan)插(cha)頭(tou)已(yi)經(jing)掉(diao)了(le)，但(dan)是(shi)電(dian)池(chi)還(hai)在(zai)上(shang)麵(mian)。（說明剛才是插著電池用的交流電源）

    我非常的生氣並且發起火來。我的搭檔回答道："噢，對不起，我以為你說避免電池滿電的時候充電呢，我剛才還想著電池一充滿我就拔下電源的。"

    我沒有接受他的解釋，取而代之的是想到自我和自尊，並且氣了好幾個小時，不停地想著"他怎麼這麼蠢呢？""而且我還跟他說明白了！"事實上，他讓我想起了我的上一個搭檔，從來不聽我的
，而且總是與我要求的對著幹。

    另外，我的搭檔現在十分的沮喪

，為自己的誤解而難過，為我拒絕他的解釋而生氣。

    我們的一天就這樣毀掉了。

    如果你發現你自己處於這樣的狀況，在你毀掉自己和他人的一天前，問一問自己下麵的問題：

    * 這是一個有意針對你的傷害還是僅僅是一個誤會
？

    * 為什麼我真的很難過？

    * 我能不能改變一下將要發生的事呢？

    在(zai)上(shang)麵(mian)的(de)案(an)例(li)中(zhong)，如(ru)果(guo)我(wo)能(neng)努(nu)力(li)聽(ting)取(qu)搭(da)檔(dang)的(de)解(jie)釋(shi)
，我(wo)或(huo)許(xu)會(hui)很(hen)快(kuai)就(jiu)意(yi)識(shi)到(dao)盡(jin)管(guan)他(ta)的(de)誤(wu)解(jie)讓(rang)人(ren)很(hen)沮(ju)喪(sang)，但(dan)是(shi)可(ke)以(yi)確(que)定(ding)那(na)不(bu)是(shi)人(ren)身(shen)攻(gong)擊(ji)或(huo)者(zhe)有(you)意(yi)過(guo)失(shi)。如(ru)果(guo)自(zi)己(ji)反(fan)省(sheng)一(yi)下(xia)，我(wo)或(huo)許(xu)就(jiu)會(hui)意(yi)識(shi)到(dao)我(wo)的(de)憤(fen)怒(nu)與(yu)現(xian)狀(zhuang)毫(hao)無(wu)關(guan)聯(lian)，僅(jin)僅(jin)是(shi)因(yin)他(ta)人(ren)不(bu)聽(ting)從(cong)我(wo)或(huo)者(zhe)他(ta)人(ren)不(bu)能(neng)隨(sui)我(wo)願(yuan)的(de)緣(yuan)故(gu)。再(zai)次(ci)強(qiang)調(tiao)，現(xian)狀(zhuang)僅(jin)僅(jin)是(shi)一(yi)個(ge)誤(wu)會(hui)，與(yu)過(guo)去(qu)無(wu)關(guan)。

    guigenjiedi，wonengbunenggaibianxianzhuangne？zaizhegeanlilidaanshikendingde。ruguowozhidaodadangbuhuianzhaowodeyaoqiuquyongwodediannao

，wokeyijujueyihoujiegeitashiyong。

    通過將自我和因現狀而受到的傷害和挫敗感進行拆析，我可以快速應對這個問題


，並且找到解決之法

，重新變回快樂，

    隻(zhi)要(yao)我(wo)記(ji)得(de)的(de)高(gao)攻(gong)擊(ji)性(xing)的(de)人(ren)是(shi)不(bu)多(duo)見(jian)的(de)，大(da)部(bu)分(fen)時(shi)間(jian)裏(li)，讓(rang)人(ren)感(gan)到(dao)不(bu)舒(shu)服(fu)的(de)情(qing)況(kuang)隻(zhi)是(shi)一(yi)個(ge)誤(wu)會(hui)而(er)不(bu)是(shi)人(ren)身(shen)攻(gong)擊(ji)
，因(yin)此(ci)我(wo)也(ye)不(bu)會(hui)讓(rang)誤(wu)會(hui)來(lai)毀(hui)掉(diao)我(wo)的(de)一(yi)天(tian)。

    ranerjishizaishaojiandeqingkuangli
，yourenguyishanghaini，ruguonijidezhebingbushinidecuo
，zheyiqieshizhishitarendeganqingbaofuwenti
，zheyangtahuotaduiwomenshenghuoderaoluanjiubuhuiduiwomendekuailechanshengchijiudeyingxiang。

    選定你要做的

    因(yin)此(ci)要(yao)顧(gu)及(ji)到(dao)他(ta)人(ren)的(de)反(fan)應(ying)。現(xian)在(zai)開(kai)始(shi)，我(wo)們(men)將(jiang)不(bu)允(yun)許(xu)他(ta)人(ren)來(lai)影(ying)響(xiang)我(wo)們(men)自(zi)己(ji)的(de)快(kuai)樂(le)。但(dan)是(shi)我(wo)們(men)自(zi)己(ji)反(fan)應(ying)是(shi)否(fou)要(yao)顧(gu)及(ji)呢(ne)？許(xu)多(duo)人(ren)一(yi)生(sheng)都(dou)在(zai)做(zuo)自(zi)己(ji)不(bu)喜(xi)歡(huan)的(de)事(shi)，並(bing)且(qie)告(gao)訴(su)自(zi)己(ji)必(bi)須(xu)這(zhe)樣(yang)做(zuo)或(huo)者(zhe)自(zi)己(ji)毫(hao)無(wu)選(xuan)擇(ze)。

    然而不幸的是事實往往如此。不能夠如期地滿足生活基本需求（如：食物，避難所和基本安全保障--馬斯洛的人類需求等級金字塔的最底的兩層）的人們不得不經常在各種煩惱中做出艱難的選擇。

    對於很多人而言，他們所做的一切都是自己的選擇，但是如果他們對自己的選擇不滿意

，往往是下麵三種情況之一妨礙了他們：

    1.責任感

    2.放任自由

    3.預期值

    責任感很強的人們經常說："我應該這樣做！"而不是"我要···""我選擇······".他們感覺世人會評價他們的行為
，他們必需遵守他人對規矩和正確的觀點。他們抑製自己的夢想和欲望，遵從他人的行為規章（往往都是猜測）.

    一些人不是活在當下，而是活在將來。他們有堅定的目標並且期望能達到（這些事往往因他人可能要他們所做的事情而被高度渲染）,從(cong)不(bu)關(guan)心(xin)他(ta)們(men)當(dang)下(xia)的(de)感(gan)受(shou)。當(dang)然(ran)，我(wo)們(men)有(you)時(shi)可(ke)以(yi)達(da)到(dao)目(mu)標(biao)
，因(yin)為(wei)做(zuo)一(yi)些(xie)不(bu)會(hui)讓(rang)我(wo)們(men)緊(jin)張(zhang)的(de)事(shi)情(qing)，但(dan)是(shi)如(ru)果(guo)我(wo)們(men)要(yao)達(da)到(dao)目(mu)標(biao)的(de)方(fang)式(shi)令(ling)人(ren)很(hen)討(tao)厭(yan)，那(na)麼(me)為(wei)什(shen)麼(me)我(wo)還(hai)朝(chao)那(na)個(ge)方(fang)向(xiang)前(qian)進(jin)呢(ne)？

    第(di)三(san)類(lei)人(ren)放(fang)任(ren)自(zi)由(you)，依(yi)靠(kao)態(tai)勢(shi)來(lai)決(jue)定(ding)自(zi)己(ji)的(de)行(xing)為(wei)或(huo)者(zhe)盲(mang)目(mu)地(di)順(shun)從(cong)人(ren)們(men)的(de)建(jian)議(yi)
，根(gen)本(ben)不(bu)會(hui)懷(huai)疑(yi)這(zhe)對(dui)他(ta)們(men)自(zi)己(ji)是(shi)不(bu)是(shi)適(shi)合(he)的(de)。這(zhe)類(lei)人(ren)總(zong)是(shi)不(bu)開(kai)心(xin)，卻(que)又(you)不(bu)知(zhi)道(dao)自(zi)己(ji)為(wei)什(shen)麼(me)不(bu)開(kai)心(xin)。如(ru)果(guo)他(ta)們(men)自(zi)己(ji)都(dou)夢(meng)裏(li)人(ren)生(sheng)，我(wo)也(ye)不(bu)會(hui)顧(gu)及(ji)他(ta)們(men)的(de)感(gan)受(shou)的(de)，這(zhe)樣(yang)就(jiu)可(ke)以(yi)想(xiang)得(de)通(tong)他(ta)們(men)為(wei)什(shen)麼(me)不(bu)高(gao)興(xing)了(le)。

    幸xing運yun的de是shi這zhe種zhong類lei型xing的de不bu快kuai樂le相xiang對dui容rong易yi康kang複fu
，隻zhi要yao開kai始shi有you意yi識shi地di生sheng活huo並bing且qie覺jiao察cha我wo們men的de行xing為wei。如ru果guo需xu要yao，我wo們men可ke以yi記ji錄lu下xia我wo們men的de決jue定ding和he每mei天tian生sheng活huo，記ji下xia我wo們men對dui每mei個ge行xing為wei的de感gan受shou。如ru此ci一yi來lai我wo們men可ke以yi強qiang迫po自zi己ji覺jiao察cha每mei個ge行xing為wei和he我wo們men做zuo出chu的de選xuan擇ze。我wo們men也ye會hui對dui忙mang碌lu時shi一yi些xie滑hua過guo腦nao際ji的de想xiang法fa變bian得de敏min感gan。

    譬如：我wo發fa現xian過guo去qu每mei次ci去qu幹gan洗xi店dian掛gua完wan衣yi服fu回hui來lai都dou會hui變bian的de暴bao躁zao異yi常chang。不bu知zhi道dao為wei什shen麼me，每mei次ci我wo去qu幹gan洗xi店dian晾liang衣yi服fu，當dang我wo掛gua衣yi服fu的de時shi候hou

，總zong是shi會hui讓rang許xu多duo關guan於yu我wo的de生sheng活huo，我wo的de搭da檔dang和he我wo的de生sheng意yi的de瑣suo屑xie討tao厭yan小xiao事shi縈ying繞rao在zai我wo的de腦nao海hai裏li，似si乎hu已yi經jing養yang成cheng了le習xi慣guan。由you此ci可ke想xiang而er知zhi，我wo理li所suo當dang然ran地di討tao厭yan去qu幹gan洗xi店dian曬shai衣yi服fu。通tong過guo對dui自zi己ji的de行xing為wei和he想xiang法fa的de留liu意yi
，我wo改gai變bian了le這zhe個ge習xi慣guan，而er且qie現xian在zai努nu力li去qu想xiang一yi些xie積ji極ji的de事shi情qing，我wo變bian得de再zai也ye不bu討tao厭yan去qu幹gan洗xi店dian曬shai衣yi服fu了le。

    責任感和期望值是不快樂的類型中最多的兩種，這有點複雜，並且需要更深入的對自我動機和欲望的審視。

    西班牙語裏麵有兩種方式提問"為什麼"---一是回頭看原因 （por qué）,一是向前看動機（para qué）.

    當我們問自己por qué時shi，我wo們men回hui頭tou審shen視shi讓rang我wo們men做zuo出chu行xing為wei的de因yin素su。例li如ru
，在zai我wo開kai始shi自zi己ji的de生sheng意yi以yi前qian

，我wo試shi圖tu融rong入ru白bai領ling生sheng活huo
，盡jin管guan那na讓rang我wo很hen難nan過guo。後hou來lai通tong過guo問wen自zi己ji por qué ,我醒悟過來，我這樣做是因為一個成年人的責任
，工作並且掙生活費

，無論你開心與否。

    當我問自己para qué 時--我這樣做是為了什麼？我在追逐什麼願望？如果我不能回答這個問題，我就下決心放棄現在做的，轉為做自己夢想得到的。

    盡管企業家的生活有時是很艱難的，但我變得更快樂啦！

    我(wo)現(xian)在(zai)清(qing)醒(xing)地(di)生(sheng)活(huo)著(zhe)
，通(tong)過(guo)問(wen)自(zi)己(ji)為(wei)什(shen)麼(me)和(he)為(wei)了(le)什(shen)麼(me)，審(shen)視(shi)自(zi)己(ji)的(de)行(xing)為(wei)
，審(shen)視(shi)每(mei)天(tian)所(suo)做(zuo)的(de)決(jue)定(ding)和(he)選(xuan)擇(ze)，這(zhe)些(xie)決(jue)定(ding)和(he)選(xuan)擇(ze)增(zeng)加(jia)了(le)我(wo)的(de)快(kuai)樂(le)，而(er)這(zhe)快(kuai)樂(le)是(shi)百(bai)分(fen)之(zhi)百(bai)發(fa)自(zi)內(nei)心(xin)的(de)，並(bing)不(bu)是(shi)依(yi)賴(lai)他(ta)人(ren)的(de)。

    快樂小技巧

    結尾，讓我們來講一點資源。

    meigerendouyouzijixihuandekuailexiaoqiaomen，biruzaiketingpianpianqiwu，yupengyoujuju，huozhebaozheshuquantuierzuo。ruguonixuyaoyixiequedingyouxiaodefangshilairangzijigengkuaile，xiamiandeshujihewangzhanjianghuiduiniyousuobangzhu。

    我在此總結了四個最頂級的資源（無先後順序）:

    1.朱迪斯。西爾斯著《安慰的陷阱》

    2.丹尼爾。吉伯特著《遭遇幸福》

    3.理查德。懷特曼著《59秒》

    4.格林琴。魯賓著《快樂工程》（書籍需要預定但是博客將提供大量的不錯的技巧）